I wish I could say today is the day that I change everything I dislike about myself but that’s just not going to happen. I am trying very hard to be a positive and happier person. Hoping that the rest of this year will be amazing. Also hoping to fill it with amazingly positive people who love me or atleast won’t fuck me over. Its not excatly private that I don’t trust people. I’m tired of finding people who only want something from me and give nothing in return.
I had a completly wonderful time this weekend. Ive been spending it with someone I completely enjoy being with. Someone that makes me smile and feel wonderful about myself, I just have a feeling he doesn’t feel that way about me. Which sucks, I would like this to be more possibly but I don’t think he thinks of me more than a friend. Which Sucks. I just want to find someone who likes me. Someone who looks at me and sees me. Not too much to ask I don’t think.
It’s funny how it has a way of surpising you when you least expect it to. I am happy for the first time in weeks. No medicine no meditation or yoga to get me this way either. Maybe its a lapse in my brain chemistry but Im not gonna complain just going to dwell in this awesome feeling while it lasts.
I’m tired of it all today… Tired of this town at its backwards racist, hate mongering ways. Im tired of caring for people who will likely stab me in the back. Im tired of everything shitting on me. Im tired of people just being cruel to me. I actually had a person to tell me this week I was unfuckable. I hate everything to do with my life here save for my daughter. I hate that I cant sneeze without my ex finding out about it and screaming at me and telling me I am a bad parent for everything my kid does. I am tired of him calling me to discipline my child while she is at her house because he is too “angry” to do it. I am tired of being treated like nothing and taking it. I am tired of feeling like Im not good enough for anyone. I am tired of it all. So deep breathe and carry on like nothing has happend… Yep thats what I always do. Big fucking door mat me.
Everytime I hear someone mention thier father right now makes me miss mine. It’s been almost 9 months and I still haven’t accepted that he’s gone. His birthday is on Thursday. I’m hoping to get through it without a nervous breakdown.
I hate having manic days like today. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Or drink until I pass out. Going to try and salvage some good in this day. Hopefully I wont bring down the party. I better be back to sunshine and light by the time ScareFest rolls around next week.
Anita Blake why arent you real?